Illustration by Tim Bower.

Q: I want a good Alaskan name for my next child. Any suggestions?

A: Names aren’t necessary for Alaskan children. They’re delivered to their parents’ doorstep by a bald eagle and communicate only through grunts and howls. Luckily the kids seem to instinctually know how to forage, hunt, and repair anything with a roll of duct tape. By the age of five, an Alaskan child can survive 50 below zero weather with nothing but a sealskin flagon full of…

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