Boulder-based Let’s Connect and RISE help adults model healthy emoti…

Children learn how to manage their own feelings by looking at the adults and caregivers around them. But sometimes, those to whom they are turning for guidance need a little help, themselves.

The Boulder-based Let’s Connect and the Resilience in Schools and Educators programs teach caregivers how to respond to children’s emotions and behaviors — and to promote the child’s emotional competence and well-being — by modeling healthy behaviors.

Both programs focus on the adult in the relationship, by having the grownup set an example of emotional well-being and emotional competency.

Kimberly Shipman, clinical and developmental psychologist; Marcela Torres Pauletic, clinical physiologist; and Monica Fitzgerald, clinical psychologist, are senior research associates at the Center for Well-Being and Resilience at the Institute of Behavior Science at the University of Colorado Boulder. Both Let’s Connect and RISE are based out of the institute at CU Boulder.

Torres Pauletic said Let’s Connect is a prevention program, valuable to any adult who is caring for youth and aims to strengthen the parent-child relationship. Both programs are trauma-responsive, and give adults the tools to communicate about challenging topics with children.

“All parents want to help their children. They just need help,” Shipman said.

Both explained that parent-child relationships start to deteriorate when there is a lack of communication. Shipman said unresolved trauma, external forces and constant stress can raise communication barriers.

Fitzgerald said RISE and Let’s Connect are similar in that they teach adults how to be emotionally available. She noted that teachers do not have to be counselors. They just need to be an adult who, emotionally, shows up.

Setting the example

Shipman said Let’s Connect starts with the parents, calling on them to be an example and to reflect a healthy relationship with one’s own emotions. Parents and caregivers start by “dropping in” on their own feelings, sometimes literally placing their hands over their hearts to remind themselves to listen to their own emotions and needs, first.

Shipman and Torres Pauletic explained that there is a variety of methods for parents to connect with their emotions, but it is the step of first checking one’s own feelings, and feeling safe in them, that is important. This allows caregivers to respond, rather than react, to a situation, Shipman and Torres Pauletic said, through both everyday challenges and larger problems.

“It’s like that old oxygen mask analogy. You have to take care of yourself first,” Torres Pauletic said. She noted that every parent wants to be there for their kid, but they first have to model healthy emotions.

If a parent has emotional regulation skills, then they can diffuse any challenging situations, Shipman said.

Shipman and Torees Pauletic both observed that, while every parent does their best, mistakes still happen.

“It is never too late to circle back and restore harm done,” Torres Pauletic said.

Shipman said that sometimes the adult may brush off a child reaching out for help and not even realize it.  An example can be a child approaching an adult to state they are worried about something, and the adult responding, “Don’t worry about it.”

This leaves the child alone with their stress and feelings, rather than helping them. Both programs help the adult circle back and connect with the child, Shipman said.

Shipman and Torres Pauletic both explained the goal of their programs is to help caregivers become a person their kids feel comfortable sharing their emotions with. If the parents are emotionally reactive rather than responsive, they both said a child is less likely to talk to their parents.

Shipman conceded that parenting is always hard, especially when coping with trauma. Trauma is subjective and different situations can affect one person more than another. However, Shipman said trauma overwhelms the ability to cope with their own emotions and can manifest itself into other parts of life.

“Trauma does not have to be a life sentence,” Torres Pauletic said.

Both said Let’s Connect teaches parents how to emotionally deal with everyday situations and challenging situations, to foster a healthy relationship with their kid.

Their programs use the analogy of a house to demonstrate how the skills taught can be applied.

Each program starts with what facilitators call the foundation of the house, which is connection. This can consist of labeling feelings, listening and recognizing, appreciating and noticing others. Shipman said by noticing a kid’s actions, the kid can feel validated and know the adult cares. By building connections through routines or rituals, the teacher-student and parent-child relationship can improve.

The next step is emotional support. The adult can emphasize and show they care by listening and being kind. Sometimes the child just needs to feel like someone is actually listening to their problems, rather than jumping straight to giving advice.

The urge to give advice and fix a kid’s problem is referred to as “jumping to the roof.” Fitzgerald said the adult first has to earn the child’s trust before they can suggest how to “fix” their problems. She said in an attempt to help by “fixing the problem,” the child can feel accused or judged. Instead, Fitzgerald said the journey to the “roof” is collaborative, with both parties being able to trust each other.

Not all kids can point to a safe adult in their life they can go to for help, Fitzgerald said. She hopes RISE creates more adults who can be there for children, as Fitzgerald said sometimes a youngster simply needs one supportive adult, in order to cope with their own struggles.

Being there for all students

Fitzgerald said teachers go through a lot, and have to manage dozens of different situations and students every day. RISE focuses on the teacher feeling fulfilled and well, in order to help their own students.

RISE also focuses on being present for all students, not just the “troublemakers” or “go-getters,” but also the students who may slip through the cracks.

Essie Hengeveld, education initiatives coordinator, said there are many programs focused on helping young people with their emotions, but not a lot for adults. Grownups, however, need emotional skills, in order to demonstrate them to their students.

Hengeveld was a special education teacher for over a decade. She said she dealt with a variety of challenges.

“It is really critical where we, as educators, are in a place where we can be responsive to students, rather than reactive,” Hengeveld said.

Teachers need to do a lot of things for their students — educate, be predictable and yet also flexible. She said it is hard to be helpful to someone if the teacher is always stressed out. Teachers want to give everything to their students, but can find themselves with nothing left to give themselves.

Hengeveld said teachers who implement RISE skills are not as hard on themselves and have different classroom management skills in their tool box.

Let’s Connect is a free service, funded by multiple federal sources. The program focuses on providing services to families who may have trouble accessing therapy or family programs. Parents who participated in the program were unavailable for interviews.

More information about Let’s Connect is available at letsconnect.org and more information about RISE is available at tinyurl.com/RISETeacherProgram.