By Dr. Thomas LaGrelius
Contributing writer
It was the summer before my junior year in high school. I was 16. It was a cloudy, drizzly day in Seattle, as usual. I was playing Ping-Pong in the basement with friends. Dad was at work. Mom was shopping. The phone rang.
It was Mom from a phone booth. She was dizzy and had pulled over at a motel by the highway. She couldn’t drive. She sounded confused and could not remember Dad’s work number, but did remember our home number. She asked me to call Dad and have him pick her up. I did. Then I grabbed an extra set of car keys and ran for the bus that went by where she was stranded.
I got there just as Dad was driving off with her to our family doctor. I drove her car home and waited. Scared.
In a few days we learned Mom had Acute Myeloblastic Leukemia (AML).
AML is a disease we now can sometimes cure, but in 1959 it was fatal. Mom knew for sure she was dying, at age 46. While she was ill I was her chauffeur to doctors and hospitals. I met and talked to them all, particularly Dr. Stevens, her young and talented Swedish Hospital oncologist.
A gentle, caring man, Stevens told her he could induce a remission and keep her alive for six months. He was wrong. Mom died in six weeks. When she died, she was a mass of hemorrhagic bruises from head to toe, having stopped making the platelets that control bleeding. It was pretty horrible, but Mom made the most of those six weeks.
During the month before her final week in the hospital I was with her a lot. We talked about everything. She was worried about how I would handle her death, but she also taught me to cook, do laundry and especially to iron shirts. She reminded me with each lesson that since my sister would be off at college, I would be home alone with Dad. He needed a starched white shirt freshly ironed every day. He didn’t know how to iron and wasn’t likely to learn. I was to do it for him—when she was gone.
This was a lot for a 16-year-old to processes. There were tears, but my mother worked through the grief with me step by step, before she died, and turned that grief into constructive goals I could hold onto. My mom was an amazing teacher.
For the next two years, Dad had a freshly ironed white shirt every morning until I went off to college. I still iron my own shirts, enjoy doing it, and think of Mom. I’ll iron anything for anyone any time. Just ask.
Six years later, I was in medical school, determined to never allow another mom (or dad) to die of anything. Now and then I succeed. I have also failed, but not for lack of trying.
As a senior medical student I arranged a five-week oncology elective with Dr. Stevens. When I walked into his office (wearing a well-ironed white shirt) he saw my name tag.
“LaGrelius, why do I know that name?”
I told him why. He said, “I remember. I told her she had six months to live. She lived only six weeks. That was the last time I ever told anyone how long they would live. When you do that you are almost always wrong in one direction or the other.”
A lesson learned and never forgotten.
How does one process really bad news? I am still processing my mother’s death by channeling it into a lifelong battle against death and disease, and ironing shirts. That worked for me. Try to channel bad news into something constructive, otherwise there is a risk of depression and despair.
It is a myth that the pain will go away faster if you ignore it. In fact, the attempt to ignore your loss will make it persist and worsen. To really get through it the process of grief has to be experienced.
It is said there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. One can get stalled at any one of these stages, and most people need help and comforting care to process them all.
It is also a myth that one should be “strong” in the face of tragedy. In fact, showing your feelings can help you and those around you process the grief. It’s OK to cry. It’s also OK not to cry and express your grief in other ways. It is important to talk and relive the good times though photos and other memorable connections.
Another myth is that grief should last about a year. There is no timetable for grief. It can be shorter. If not properly worked through it can last for decades and lead to serious psychological illness. That’s why people need help processing their grief.
Moving on with your life does not mean forgetting about the loss or the loved one. It means making the loved one’s memory an integral part of a positive future.
Try to turn grief into constructive activity. We see examples of that all the time. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) is one. Become a hospital volunteer. Work in an animal shelter or volunteer at a homeless shelter if appropriate to your loss.
You could iron shirts. It works for me.
Live long, be well.
Dr. Thomas W. LaGrelius, M.D., F.A.A.F.P., is a certified specialist in family medicine and geriatric medicine. He is the founder and president of Skypark Preferred Family Care, a concierge primary care/geriatrics practice based in Torrance www.skyparkpfc.com. He is a staff member at Torrance Memorial Medical Center and Providence Little Company of Mary Torrance Hospital. Email questions and topic suggestions to office@skyparkpfc.com or call 310-378- 6208.
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